There are many articles about boundary setting and how to stick to them. However, when is a boundary not a boundary? When is a boundary actually a rule? What if what you need to put in place is a rule or agreement? How do you know the difference?
Let’s break this down together!
What is a Boundary?
A boundary only affects you. It may affect another secondarily, but a boundary is for you and you alone and for you to enforce and manage. A boundary isn’t about someone else. You can’t tell someone they can’t or need to do something and call it a boundary.
An example of this could be that you don’t want people drinking, smoking, or using other substances around you. You may tell people that you are setting a boundary around substance use for your mental or physical health. This is your right; this is what is best for you. If you don’t want to be around alcohol, smoke, or other substance use, you shouldn’t need to. As a result of this boundary you choose for your mental and physical health, you decide that you will leave the room or even the home where people are smoking, or you don’t attend a party where there is drinking or substance use, then you uphold your boundary. You made a choice for yourself, and it only affects you, and while people may be sad that you won’t be attending their event, it doesn’t affect them and the choices they make for themselves.
What is a Rule?
A rule is a standard or expectation set for someone else which is expected to be followed. A rule primarily affects another person while affecting you secondarily. There are many good reasons to have rules in modern society. We have laws, which are rules. We work and go to school in places with rules, often for our safety. Rule is not a bad word. However, when we frame a rule as a boundary, enforcing something which takes from the autonomy of others can be problematic.
Let’s, for a moment, return to our boundary regarding being around substances. In this example, you show up at a party where people are drinking and smoking. You walk in and tell everyone in attendance that they need to stop these things because you set a boundary regarding being around such substances. You are no longer setting a boundary but attempting to enforce a rule. Demanding that everyone stop indulging will not only make you the least popular person at the party, but you will be attempting to overrule someone else’s autonomy and personal choices, especially if the house is theirs. Taking away someone’s choices, especially for adults, is typically seen as unethical.
Does this mean you must suffer in the name of others’ autonomy? NO! What if something harms you or someone else’s safety? Can you not enforce a rule if it impedes on someone’s safety? YES! Remember, your autonomy matters too! If you are enforcing your will over someone else’s autonomy based on their or someone else's safety, the ethics are now on your side. In your castle, you get to set the rules.
What is an Agreement?
An agreement is a set of rules or compromises that all parties agree to and uphold to benefit the whole. We see agreements a lot. Maybe it’s a legal agreement, you bought a house, and you agree to pay the mortgage. You and your partner agree on basic parenting styles or how to split household chores. Or agreements can look like social norms, which while primarily unspoken, a group agrees to a set of behavioral standards.
Returning to our party. Now, let’s say your inlaws say they would like wine with dinner, and they respect that you wish not to be around alcohol. So they suggest they have their dinner elsewhere but will join you for dessert, where they are happy to indulge in your world-famous pumpkin pie and some gourmet coffee. This plan sounds balanced and fair to you. And you agree that would be a lovely compromise. Now, you created an agreement.
What if I break my own boundary?
That is OK! It is your boundary. You can do what you wish with it. You can choose to uphold it, to break it, or to break it only under certain circumstances or with certain people. And no one has to know that you broke your boundary unless you share it with others. It is healthy to reexamine your boundaries from time to time. Does this still serve you? Are you seeking to change something, experiment with a new way of thinking, or allow for more movement? When you feel comfortable and safe, it is even healthy to change the context of your boundaries to test new ones.
I know you are sitting there thinking, but Krystal, you don’t know MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, MY SPOUSE! Rules have the potential to upset people. Just the word causes a stiffness in the body. This is why knowing the difference between Boundaries, Rules, and Agreements is essential. We need all three to connect to our values and keep ourselves mentally and physically healthy. The key to Rules and Agreements is knowing what you are stating, why it is important, and being transparent with others. Unclear or wishy-washy rules or agreements don’t help anyone. You are important. Your health, Spiritually, Mentally, and Physically is all important. So stick to your boundaries, but make them about you. And make rules, especially ones concerning the safety of those you love and yourself. And whenever possible, create agreements.
For me, boundaries are part of Radical Self-Care. So be Radical about your boundaries. Take time with them, and understand the why behind them. If you want more information or need help setting boundaries, I invite you to book an appointment with me. Together, we can create healthy boundaries, rules, and agreements that line with your values.
I'll meet you where you are at!
My dear readers, May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be loved.
In lovingkindness,
Krystal Linn, RMT, CHt, CLC
Bình luận